Decision

When I graduated from high school four years ago, I stood right in front of the two paths; I have reached the end of the road and it was time for me to make a decision just like what my other friends had done. At that time, I was too scared to follow my dream. I was too scared that I was not good enough, that it was not meant to be. So I decided to walk around in one big circle for four years thinking that it would provide me enough time for me to make my final decision.

Now, four years had passed and I came back to the same spot. What have I learnt for the past four years? Well, if I were to speak candidly, nothing. Ok, maybe my English standard has improved from horrendous to poor. Nonetheless, I still afraid of following my dream, and to make the matter worse, my confidence level has actually dropped.

Now that I am studying here, my parents' expectation of me has skyrocketed. Everyone expects me to do extremely well: a scholarship to an overseas university, a good job, and a good future. If I say I just want to go back and live a normal life just like everybody, they will say, "It's such a waste. You have a good opportunity so why throw it away? You are wasting your four years here." I'm not kidding. Those are the exact words I have been hearing over and over again.

It's not that no one understands me because I cannot even understand myself so I do not know who does and who does not. I do not understand myself and I have not been understanding myself for many many years. I do not know what I want and what should I want and what I can have. How to make a decision that I would not regret for the rest of my life?

I have a dream, a dream that my parents have been talking me out of it since, like, forever; A dream that I have been running away from; a dream that I do not even sure if it is real. Do I want it enough? Am I good enough? Am I strong enough? These questions are the hot topics in my mind in every single day.

I know you probably think that I am mad and that I should think about my A'levels more. But life is too short; too short and too precious at the same time. Maybe the answer to my question is sitting there, inside my heart. It's been waiting there for me for very long and all I need to do is to dig for it hard enough. Life is too precious and as a result, people are too afraid to make a choice because they are scared of making the wrong one. That's why they choose to go with the flow. But I'm tired of that. It's time for me to make a decision.