Giving Up

Why do I keep disappointing other people? Why doing I keep getting the I-am-so-disappointed-by-you look? Why do I keep doing the wrong things? I know that no one is perfect and therefore blah blah blah. But I really hate letting people down, especially those that I love and care about.

“You are not firm enough,” “You need to be strong,” “I’ve had such a high hope on you but you’ve proven me wrong,” “I’m very disappointed,” “You have let me down.” All these are exactly the same words that were told into my face. Again and again, I keep disappointing them.

Looking back, I know my parents were very disappointed in me when I told them I do not want to continue studying here. When I say I want to quit, most of the times, I thought I quit because the things I was doing were boring and I would prefer spending time with my friends. And since my parents would never force me, I continue to do the same thing over again and again. But from what that has happened yesterday, I realized something and therefore I was able to reflect back to what I have done in the past. I quitted dancing because I could not dance as well as my sister and people always compare and so I gave up (but that was when I was five and she was eight). I quitted singing because my dad said I sing like a duck squawking and so I gave up (I was too young to realize the fact that he is a funny man). I quitted drawing one day after the lesson because I couldn’t make friend at the drawing school, and so I gave up. And many times, I quitted because I felt that I have no talent in that particular field and it was so hard for me to learn those things like when I was learning guitar and keyboard. I quitted when I was scolded, when it was too difficult, when I was suck at it. To sum all up, I’m a loser.

Yesterday, after the mistake I’ve made, after the scolding I’ve gotten, and after the disappointment I’ve given, I planned on quitting again. I was thinking maybe I tried too hard trying to be a responsible person when I am not; maybe I tried too hard trying to be strong when I am not. And now I’m so tired. My form teacher is disappointed in me because I ponned school and because I failed to set a good example to the rest of the class. Now she won’t even look at me when we meet. My badminton coach is very disappointed in me because I wasn’t serious at practicing while he was expecting me to get into the school team next year. My NMA teacher is disappointed in me because my priority is CCA and not studies. My scholar batch mates are going to be disappointed in me because I’m organizing a bbq and it is going to be a failure. And yesterday, my house teacher was disappointed in me because I didn’t do my job well as a house committee member; because I wasn’t firm enough to be fierce, scared of being hated, irresponsible.

I think too lightly of whatever I do. When my mom was trying to persuade me to come to Singapore, she said just come for the experience. And therefore in my mind, I’ve come here to experience the new things. I have never been a class chairperson and so I agreed to try out. I have never been in a house committee and so I joined in. But I wasn’t thinking hard enough if I would be able to do my jobs well and as a result of this, I end up disappointing other people. And again, the solution that I have come out with is to quit. Running away is a coward thing to do, I know that, but there is no other way.

You might think the way I see life is a bit dramatic…I don’t why most of the time I have to be the one that get upset and then all my friends will be the one who have to entertain me. I wish it could be another way round. I’m still trying.

For those of you who are reading it, I really hope you will not give up just because things are difficult. In life, shits do happen but you need to be strong. Don’t make the same mistake like me. Somehow, I still feel that I have not grown up. I'm still a little baby who depends on her mother to clear off the debt she has made. A little baby who cries when things go wrong. A little baby who wants to give up when things are hard. I'm such a baby. Fuck. But I'm still trying.